This morning, as I was catching up on Twitter, I came across this blog post by Kyle Chowning. I’d seen a number of these quotes as he’d tweeted them yesterday, but the full post got me to thinking even more deeply about fear and faith.
It’s interesting to me that the pastor illustrated the point with money. I know that money, more importantly parting with one’s money, is a huge faith challenge for most people. Maybe it’s because I’ve been fortunate enough to not have a huge lack of funds in my life or that whenever I’ve needed God to come through with it in the past He has. But for whatever reason, it’s not the one thing that makes me cringe when people mention leaps of faith. But mention affairs of the heart and I’m in knots. I start defending myself, making excuses and struggling to remember God’s faithfulness.
Maybe it’s because that’s the place that has been the bigger challenge in my life, the place I’ve experienced greater loss over the years. Maybe because that’s what matters most to me. I don’t know. What I do know is that it is so often difficult for me to remember that God is good and faithful and trustworthy when it comes to provision for my heart.
I think that must be what it feels like for the person who is truly struggling to make ends meet. The one who feels like it has always been that way and that it must be their lot in life to always struggle, to never have enough. It’s hard to believe for bigger things because you are scared to just end up in the same painful, humiliating place again.
I believe God for provision of money. I believe God is a passionately loving Father. I believe God wants to know each of His children intimately. But for some crazy – and yes, I know it’s crazy – reason I can’t fully find it in myself to believe those big things when it comes to my heart. I am afraid. Afraid to be let down again. Afraid of unanswered questions. I am letting that fear dominate where faith should be flourishing. I think that if we get right down to it, this is a universal thing. It’s not about money or hearts or jobs or houses. It’s about trust and fear and faith.
I know that His Word says that He has plans for me – a hope and a future. I know that He loves me and will work all of this craziness in this fallen world together for good for those who love Him. Why can’t I truly believe these things when it comes to the deepest parts of my life? I want so much to have big faith – in all things. I think Kyle said it well when he said,
“Honestly, I don’t believe that I have the faith to commit to that kind of faith. That’s just scary faith…like stupid scary faith. It would surely end up in failure? Right? I mean, how in the world could I dare to believe that God could do that?”
I certainly feel like this on more occasions than I’d like to admit. But it’s that kind of faith that we are called to. I think that living an abundant life must require that. Right? How can we expect to have and feel and love much if we aren’t willing to risk much. Deep down I know that He is worth it. This life He’s created us for is worth it. His glory is worth it.
He replied,”You of little faith, why are you so afraid?”
He said to them, Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of firmly relying trust]. For truly I say to you, if you have faith [that is living] like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.
Matthew 17:20 (Amplified Bible)