I found this post I drafted just two short weeks before our now four month old little one started to grow inside me. Oh how a matter of days can so drastically change your life – and show God’s faithfulness! This is a very important reminder for me right now. As I await God’s next move on some things I’ve been praying for for a very long time, it’s good to be reminded that the wait is hard but our loving Father still knows how to give good – and timely – gifts to His children.
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
In the past 24 hours, I’ve read an excerpt from one book that indicated the things that cause you tears are a sign of your calling. And another which thought of them as an indication of your idols. I think for me, tonight, perhaps they are both.
I want so very much to have a baby. To be a mother. To parent a child with my wonderful husband. I’ve had prophetic words and encouragements from random people that I’ll be a great mother. I’ve also spent my life fearing that I’ll walk in my mother’s footsteps and struggle for years to see that dream become a reality.
Here I am, seven months into trying to conceive (or TTC as the blog and forum worlds call it), six months from the age of high risk pregnancies, and wondering if this is a promise I should cling to or a dream I should place on the altar. And in the strange way things of the Kingdom seem to work, I think it may just be both. Every calling, every idol, every thing in or about us must be placed on that altar, right? If we are going to serve Christ and really give our all to the call He’s placed on us and in response to His sacrifice, doesn’t everything then belong to Him? I remember saying this very thing to a girl in my small group in college about her dream, but it’s such a different matter to apply it to my own.
But as I write, I realize I must. I must give this dream to my loving and faithful Father. I must trust that His plan and His timing are not just ok, but that they are indeed perfect. I must remember that the years of waiting and praying for a partner for this adventure were answered so wonderfully in Bryan. And when my heart starts aching in 20 minutes or 2 hours or tomorrow, I must do it all over again. And again. And again.
Recently, the words of a certain song have been my prayer: “Your will, your way, always.” How often I need to be reminded of that.
I don’t know exactly what my tears are marking tonight, but I know what God says about them. He captures them in His bottle…and I shall not be afraid!
“You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
When I cry out to You, Then my enemies will turn back;
This I know, because God is for me.
In God (I will praise His word),
In the Lord (I will praise His word),
In God I have put my trust;
I will not be afraid.”